By Mohamud Togane

Mohamed Dhere, you are a king maker; you are a power broker; without you, the goof-off garçon called Ghedi would be a waiter waiting tables in Addis Baba. You made him the clueless, hintless hopeless, hapless, heartless, headless Hawiye Prime Minister that he is today; my question to you is this:

Do you have any political ambitions of your own? Would you like to be the mayor of Mogadishu even though you are not Rer Mataan?

—No, Ina Yay wanted to give me a position, a portfolio in his crazy cabinet that is going nowhere; I simply refused laughing in his handsome Hollywood Turdeau face; I told him the truth which is that I don’t want to be demoted; I don’t want to be the feet where I am already the head!

And furthermore Ina Yay’s presidential chair is big enough, wide enough for both of us!!!

As it is, I am the Emperor here in Johar; nobody dare tell me I am naked! I am the Il Duke of the Abruzzi here!!! My word is the law here! I am above Ina Yay here in Johar; he is throwing childish mindless Majerten tantrums reminding me all the time that he is the President!

And I keep reminding him that we are not in Kansas now

Nor are we in Mogadishu now where he believes he is going to be President in Villa Somalia;

right now

right here in Johar

I AM KING KONG COLE

I AM THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

AND INA YAY or Son of the jackal is my guest;

and frankly speaking he is beginning to stink to high hell!!

Remember, guests and fish begin to smell after three days. Ina Yay is getting on my nerves; he is beginning to wear out his welcome; I think he has Alzheimer’s; I have to tell him constantly

OVER AND OVER

all the time!

I have to remind him constantly all the time

OVER AND OVER

that I am the COCK OF THE WALK

right here

right now in Johar.

If he doesn’t like it he can lump it!

He can always go back to Mugdi Mudug where they breed bastards like him and Aidiid; he can hightail back to Bossasso where crazy Jaaji foxes like him live. 

—How and when will the Darod be able to go back to Mog and boss around their Hutu Hawiye whores, hirelings and underlings?

—Togane, let me teach you a bit about Somali legends. You don’t know much about Somalis even though you are the son of the far-famed Somali patriot called, Siyaad Togane!

Alone and naked and hungry the father of all the Darod, Darud Jabarti bin Ismail bin Akil (or Ukayl) was discovered in a palm tree by the Somali sea. A Hawiye and a Dir happened on this lonesome and shipwrecked Dorod; and when they told him to come down from the tree. Darod typically and haughtily hollered in a harangue:

“I will not come down from the tree until and unless I can descend upon the big black back of one of you buffoons!

I will not descend unless and until I can ride both of you baboons bareback like my horse Hiin-Finiin!!!!”

You see, Togane, your Darod friends were born

like that

like your friend, Sa-id Samatar;

the Darod have always had an Anglo Saxon attitude towards us Hutu Hawiye natives; that is why they are so haughty, so dignified even when the poor beggars are stark naked and starving to death!

HADII LA DHIMANAAYO DHARERKA WAA LA ISKA DUWAA!

That is the dignified Darod Dictum by which all of us Somalis ought aspire to and live by: Don’t slobber all over yourself like a Hutu Hawiye nigger just because you are about to kick the bucket!!!

Dir accepted to have Darod descend from the tree on his back and Darod rode him bareback like his Hiin Finiin and rejoiced and ejaculated in more than ways one; exclaiming at the top of his voice:

WALLAY KAMA DAGO!!!!!

I will never descend from your back!

I will always dominate you!

I will always domineer you!

I will always dog you!

I will always dictate to you!

I will always demean you!

I will always damn you to hell on earth!

I will always lord it over you!

Incidentally as Darod was descending from the tree on the back of Dir, his hand happened to touch the small little finger of Hawiye who pulled out his dagger and cut off his little small finger, ejaculating,

“HARAAM!

DAROD, YOU ARE DIRTY AND WHATEVER YOU HANDLE IS DIRTY!

Togane, let me share this with you: Darod is now in the same dilemma of yesteryear: Ina Yay is up that same proverbial Somali tree here in Johar; and he is dying to get down from the tree; I found him a Muddled Mindless Mudulood minion of an idiot—a blind goof-off donkey boy called Ghedi who does not know his arse from his elbow; and Abudllahi Yusuf is riding this blind donkey who is going round and round in circles around the world instead of taking him straight to Villa Somalia in Mogadishu.

As long as Ina Yay is riding his blind donkey, I will keep busy picking the pocket of Ina Yay who is not like Grasping Greedy Galayrd;

Ina Yay doesn’t give a damn about the dollar

Ina Yay doesn’t give a damn about any kind of dough.

He is hell-pent on returning and restoring the power and the glory of the Darod!

I overhear him every nigh hallucinating in his Johar nightmare, soliloquizing—

Machaa libinta Daarood lahaa, Daba’ayuun siiyay?

How and why did the glory that once was Daarood’s

Depart and pass on to the Hottentot Hutu Hawiye and to the sorry-assed Eedor?

How and why did the Darod lose their divine mandate from heaven to rule Somalia?

How and why did the Darod lose their divine right to rule Somalia?

How and why did we Darod forget that we are to the manor born?

Villa Somalia, the Darod are coming!!!”

I encourage Son of the Jackal daily

to never give up his fatude!

To never give up his demented Darod dream of vanquishing us Hutu Hawiye!

I am as happy as pig in shit; I will keep Ina Yay right here in Johar: let him keep entertaining the false fatude notion, the false hope, that he is riding his blind donkey all the way to power and to pelf; all the way to Villa Somalia in Mog. Ina Yay thought that he could take me for a ride; let history record that I am taking this Darod dummkopf for the ride of his lifetime and all the way to the cleaners!

Please Togane,

Since you love the Darod

Since you are an ersatz Darod

Since you are a Darod Majerten Manqué

Tell all your Darod friends that Ina Yay is a Darod dog that just doesn’t know

how to hunt Habar Gidir down

out of Mog!!!

out of Merca!!!

out of Kismayo!!!

He has been

completely defeated

completely disgraced

By Ina Salad Prozac Boy

By Cayr fake Money

By Cayr Militia

By Cayr Media

That is why I decided to throw my lot with Indha’adde!

By the way, Togane, the Cayr are now called Liban!!!! The victorious ones!

Because they have beat all Somalis into sullen silence except Tittuping Togane!!!

Togane, we can’t beat the Cayr so we better join them

Like Greedy Grabby Grasping Galayrd did

In their bloody great greedy grabby bililiqsi affairs

In their policy of Boab and Bililiqsi!!!

In their Bililiqsitocracy

Tell all your Darod friends to send another Majerten

As brilliant as your Ahmed Isse Awad to rule Somalia:

Ina Yay is a Darod Demean and there is nothing fuglier than a Darod who is demean; who is dummpkofp: Abdullah Yusuf has nothing going for him: he only understands QABIIL IYO QORIGA MADOW: Tribalism: the most insidious sort of racism and her attendant naked black gun —just like his buddy Aidiid!

He should go and ask his sidekick, Aidiid:

What have Qabiil iyo Qoriga Madow done for you, Aidiid?

Aidiid would answer: Qabiil iyo Qoriga Madow drove me

First into Madness and then

Into an early grave

where I am being daily tortured by two nigger angels called Munkar & Nakir.

Let history record that I, Mohamed Dhere, understand now, why Afwayne locked up

for years the two bastards from Mugdi Mudug called

Aidiid and Ina Yay!

Let history record that I, Mohamed Dhere, understand now, what Abihii Garacyada said particularly about Abdullahi Yusuf alias Ina Yay:

Afwayne said, “Somalis say that I am a Dirty Darod Despot!

Conveniently forgetting that the Dirtiest Darod Despot is Ina Yay!

Somalis say that I am stricken with the disease called Qabiil or tribalism, the most insidious sort of racism.

Conveniently forgetting that Ina Yay’s only credo and creed is the disease called Qabiil or tribalism, the most insidious sort of racism.

Conveniently forgetting that Ina Yay is the most

Dedicated Darodist of the Deepest Dye in the world!!!!

Conveniently forgetting that Ina Yay really believes

that the only Narod of the world are his Dirty Darod

THAT IS WHY THE DAROD WILL NEVER RETURN TO MOGADISHU ANYTIME SOON!!!!!

The Hirab brothers will never allow it!!!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Let history record now that I, Mohamed Dhere, have with me a cash cow called Son of the Jackal and I won’t let him go back to Qardo, to Jaajiland as long as he has a dollar in his Dirty Darod pocket!!!!

Togane, stop your Habar-Gidir-bashing!

You and I should thank the Habar Gidir for making Mogadishu

Darod-frei

Free of Dirty Darod!

Darod-rein:

Cleansed of the Demented Darod like Demean Dummkopf Abdullahi Yussuf!

Remember what the Hawaadle Elder said:

I dislike the Habar Gidir

I despise the Habar Gidir

BUT

I dislike more

I despise more

Anyone who wishes Habar Gidir ill!!!

...........................................................................................

My dear Darod friends,

As long as the Son of the Jackal is in Johar with Tall Mahamed

As long as the Son of the Jackal, the fool,

who forced the Abgal to be political bedfellows of the Habar Gidir is around

As long as the Son of the Jackal, the fool,

who forced the Abgal into an unholy gunshot marriage of convenience with the Habar Gidir is around

we better stop dreaming about ever seizing state power again

we better stop dreaming of ever settling again

In Iskurarun

In Mogadishu

In Merca

We better stop dreaming of ever enjoying again the white Italianate villas

By the lapis lazuli waters of the Somali seas

We better stop dreaming of ever enjoying life again

In the alabaster marbled villas of Mogadishu

By the aquamarine Lido beach

By the gleaming teal ocean.

NOTES

Ahmed Isse Awad: A Majerten dear friend of mine who lived for years with me here in Montreal; who taught me all I know about crazy clannish Somali mortician politics; Ahmed is responsible for all the right and sane things I say and write about us Somalis; I am solely responsible for all the errors and gaffs and gaffes and gaucheries and grotesques. I am happy to report to all my readers that Ahmed is now on his way to the Sudan on an emergency assignment from the United Nations. 

Bililiqsi: (Somali) Signifying rape and rapine; pillaging and sacking and kidnapping; the political modus operandi of Atto, Aideed, Ali Diesel and Salad Boy and their Hawiye Huns: all Somali clans are guilty of this abominable lawlessness and outrage, but the Hawiye particularly distinguished themselves in this evil enterprise; bililiqsi is their main contribution to Somali political discourse: witness what they have wrought in mad Mogadishu. It is indeed the Hawiye Huns who brought back Kipling back in vogue especially “his lesser breed without the law, half child, half devil”: a perfect description of the Hutu Hawiye now in charge of Mog. “Bililiqsi or raids are our agriculture” is the boast of the Bedouin of Mugdi Mudug. See page 228 of Bruce Chatwin’s “Nomadic Invasions” in What Am I doing Here. New York: Viking Penguin, 1989.

Bililiqsitocracy: The anarchic craziness of wanton and relentless and ceaseless plundering and preying and gangbanging best exemplified by what is going on right now in mad Mog and Merca under the Hajji Haaraans called Ina Salad Boy and Indha’adde.

Boab: (Somali) Literally, a daylight larceny and robbery. In Mog in 1992 when I was a guest of Lady Nurto, Ali Diesel’s better half, his Agoan Yare Klansmen and thugs told me:

“We are all Abgal; but the nine clans of the Abgal are divided into three divisions:

(1) The Harti Abgal: that is us and Ali Mahdi and we survive on Bono: A cheating chit written and forged by our Agon Yare Ali Diesel who is our main and sole contribution to the Somali politics of self-destruction!!!

(2) The Wa’buudhan are all thugs like Musse Suude Yahoo Yelahow Hayow Harow; they survive on Boab and Bililiqsi!

(3) The Wa-essle;You are Wa-essle: You all live by Bassar!  By your wits! Look at you living in this alabaster marbled villa by the aquamarine Lido beach; by the gleaming teal Lido which doesn’t even belong to you!

Demean: (Somali) A dunce like Dubya who demeans himself because of his fugly and putrid personality!

Fatude: (Somali) Fatude like fancy is a child “of an idle brain, / Begot of nothing but vain fantasy...” See Romeo and Juliet. 1. iv. 97-98. It is a typical Somali Mugdi Mudug attitude of bullshit and bushwa and bluster. The English tongue has borrowed many a word from the Somali tongue, such as yahoo, nag, ninny, seal, was, goose, fug, etc. I predict the English language will soon appropriate fatude. It is just a matter of time before it too begins to roll off the English tongue, like yahoo. See “A Short lesson In Comparative Languages”, p. 5 of M. S. Togane. The Bottle and The Bushman: Poems of The Prodigal Son. Ste-Anne de Bellevue (Québec): The Muses’ Company, 1986. Fatude aptly describes the common Somali affliction of disconnection from reality. It also means a rude, crude attitude based on farce and according to Alfred Kazin, “Farce is catastrophe without a context and without a solution.” A perfect description and definition of the Somali syndrome and the malady of Mog. See page 95 of Alfred Kazin. God and the American Writer. New York: Alfred A Knopf, 1997.

Hirab: (Somali) The collective clannish name for the Abgal and the Habar Gidir; the Cain and the Abel of Somali suicidal politics; the Habar Gidir are Cain and my Abgal are Abel.

Jaaji: Pejorative term for the Darod clan: implying that they are all “filthy fish eaters”. The Somalis “are squeamish and fastidious as regards food. They despise the excellent fish with which Nature has so plentifully stocked their seas. ‘Speak not to me with that mouth which eateth fish!’ is a favorite insult among the Bedouin. If you touch a bird or a fowl of any description, you will be despised even by the starving beggar.” See p. 110 of Sir Richard Burton. First Footsteps in East Africa. New York: Frederick A. Praeger, 1966.

Irony of all ironies today Somalis are starving beside those same seas and rivers which teem with fish; even the fish would gladly jump into their mouths, if only the poor starving silly Somali beggars would just deign to open their proud but empty and ignorant and arrogant mouths!

Munkar & Nakir: “The two black angels of Mohammedan mythology who interrogate the dead, in the grave, immediately after burial. The first two questions they ask are, ‘Who is your Lord?’ and ‘Who is your prophet?’ Their voices are like thunder, their aspects hideous; if the scrutiny is satisfactory the soul is gently drawn forth from the lips of the deceased, and the body is left to repose in peace; if not, the body is beaten about the head with clubs half iron and half flame, and the soul is wrenched forth by racking torments.”

Do you not see those specters that are stirring the burning coals?
They are Monkir and Nakir—Beckford: Vathek
See Rev. E. Cobham Brewer.  A Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. London: Cassell and Company, Ltd; no date of publication given. 

Narod: (Russian) Folks.

--------Mahamud Siad Togane