MACAVITY’S MYSTERY MAJERTEN CAT:
He’s called the Hidden Paw—
For he’s master criminal who can defy the law.
He’s the bafflement of Scotland Yard,
The Flying Squad’s despair:
For when they reach the scene of the crime—
Macavity Majerten’s not there!
Adayr!
Uncle!
Zio
Given your experience of all things Somali
Given your long experience with all the Somali clans
&
Their crazy clannish wayward ways
If any one knows Somalis
It is you
So tell me
When will there be peace among us silly uncivilized Somalis
When will Somalia become governable again
When will we Somalis begin to learn again
How to play by the rules of civilization—
Even Bantu civilization—
I mean any human civilization known to Mankind
When will Somalia become again a country of law and order
And join the world of order
When will we Somalis stop being
Kipling’s
“Lesser breeds without the law
Half child half devil”
When will we Somalis stop waiting for Godot
When will Godot show up in Mogadishu
When will the Habar Kintir invaders begin to learn
The lesson the Rahanwayn taught them
Not so long ago
That you just can’t invade other tribe’s territory
&
Oppress and repress with impunity
When will the Habar Gidir Huns learn
That a cat at her home has the fangs of a lioness!
When will the IL-JEH invaders go back home
Back home to the boondocks where they belong
Back home to Hobyo
When will the Darod be able to go back home
Back home to Mogadishu
Back to their homes
Back to their businesses in Mogadishu
Back to their villas by the lapis lazuli Lido Beach
Of the indigo Indian Ocean
Back to Iskurarun Mogadishu
Where they had lived peacefully
Ever since the ancient days of Ibn Batuta
When will Ibrahim Oonlaye & his kids
Who are the rightful owners
Of Café Nazionale
Of Cinema Hamar
Be able to go back home
Back to their fabulous properties in Mogadishu
When will the children & grandchildren
Of Hajji Deeriye be able to go back home
Back home to Mogadishu
When will the Oonlaye family be able to go back home
Back home to their villas
Back to their restaurant at Afar Irdoad
When will the Hajji Yusuf Egal family be able to go back home
Back to their ancestral home in downtown Mogadishu
Back to their comfortable Compound by the Lido Beach
When will the Hutu-Hawiye-Hiraab-
Habar-Kintir-Habar-Koolay-
Horror-Show come to an end in Mogadishu
Adayr
Uncle
Zio
When will the Sa’ad begin to realize
That Hawiye is not
A condom
That they can wear
Whenever they get an erection
Whenever they feel like stealing an election
When will the Macavity Majerten begin to realize
That Darod is not
A devise
A disguise
For their deceitful designs
When will the wily Wa’es-le begin to realize
That they are not the only brains of the Mudulod
That they are not the Macavity Majerten of the whole Abgal family
When will there be peace
Among us silly Somalis
Among the Darod
Among the Majerten
Among the Hawiye
Among the Abgal
Among the Habar Gidir
When will the Eedor begin to realize
That they are not the only folks
In the whole of Somaliland
When will we Somalis begin to realize
That it is the God-given right of
The Issaq
To secede
From our now imaginary Union
From our now fictitious unity
From the real mad mess in Mogadishu
When will the Eedor begin to realize
This crystal clear corollary
That what is good for the Eedor goose
Is
Also good for the Darod & Gadabursi gander
That if the Issaq can secede from Mogadishu
So can the Dhulbahante from Hargayse
So can the Warsengele from Hargayse
So can the Gadabursi from Hargayse
Habar Yonis
Had her turn of ruling Eedorland
Habar Awal Had her turn of ruling Eedorland
When will
Habar Ja’el get her turn of running roughshod over Eedorland
When will the Eedor stop being
So ignorant
So arrogant
So stupid
So smug
So snug in Hargayse
So stuck-up
So asinine
So self-satisfied
So idiotic
So shameful
So faqash
So piggish
With a smirk on their silly Eedor mugs
Going around the world
Bragging around the world:
“ See us Eedor!
Look at us Eedor!
Hark!
The herald Eedor angels sing
Peace in Hargaysa!
Living in peace in Hargaysa
Where the Faqash don’t roam no more
We are the Jews of Somalia!
We Eedor are better
We are more intelligent
Than our suffering Somali sisters & brothers in faqash Mogadishu!”
Eedor
Let me make one thing perfectly clear
I am the Mudul
I am the Mudulod
I am the Abgal
Who chanted
In defiance of Afwayne & Dafle
In the face of the terror
In the face of the tyranny
Of the Darod mad MOD Confederacy:
Dalkaga daafa deedi ma!
Eedor ku dool doni ma!
I won’t refuse to defend my motherland!
But
I won’t accept
I just don’t want
To attack
To invade
To occupy
Like the deceitful Darod want me to
Like the dirty Darod
Did attack
Did invade
Did occupy
The territory of
The people of Issaq!
So Issaq
I am not in your way
Secede all you want from the merciless madness in Mog!
But before you secede from the mess in Mog
Come back to Mog
To clean up
The mess
You had made
When the Eedor were the faqash of the Greatest Darod Druid
When the Eedor were the henchmen of Afwayne
When the Eedor were the disciples of Afwayne
When the Eedor were the Lackeys & the Lickspittles of Lord Hee-Haw Hategood Afwayne!
Eedor
Come back
To clean up
The mess
Your kith
Your kin
Your Machiavellian
Your whore of Hargayse
Your Mahammad Ibrahim Hajji Egal
Your Omar Arteh Ghalib
The number one pack-donkey of Afwayne
Your Habar Ja’el jackass
Ismael Ali Abokar
Your Lah-Was!
Your ewe-fucker!—
Before you do secede
Come back
To clean up all the mess these Eedor Bastards had made
In the Mudul of the Mudulod
In the hut of the Hawiye!
Eedor
I am for your secession from the South
It is the dirty damn Darod
Who won’t let you secede!
Who covet your Somaliland
Remember
They tried to give your land to the Darod Ogaden!
It is the daredevil demented Darod
Who wants both of us Erir
Who needs both of us Erir
So that the Darod can hide
Their hollowness
Their homelessness
So the Darod can hide & conceal the fact
That Darod was once a naked foundling found
Up a lonely tree!!!
Would that the Darod
Would go back home to that lonely tree!!
When will all the other shameless shiftless Somali clans
Become
As civilized
As peaceful
As intelligent
As educated
As imaginative
As smart
As the Samaron
As the Gadabursi
And produce
As the Gadabursi continually do so
Galore
An embarrassment
Of riches
Of Scholars
Of Divines
Of PhDs
Of Professors
Of Educators
Of Mentors
Like the Samatar Brothers
Of Universities
Of Doctors
Like Doctor Tani
Of Nurses
Of Hospitals
Of Peacemakers
Like the Somali Martyr of Peace
General Talan
When will the rest of the crazy Somali clans begin to realize
As the Gadabursi had
That you can’t oppress
Other Somali clans
&
Hope to make any progress
When will the Habar Kintir begin
To take pride
In brain power
Instead of
In their mindless moriyan bililiqsi brute bestial power
When will the Marehan stop
Hating their fellow Darod Macavity Majerten Mystery Cat
Out of guilt
Out of envy
Out of jealousy
When will the Rer Mahad Omar Mahamood stop being
The Muggers of Mugdi Mudug
When will they stop being
So bloody
So bellicose
So belligerent
So prone
So bound
To violence
To Ina Yay
To the Son of the Jackal
To the Punk of Puntland
To Abdullahi Yusuf
When will there be peace
Among the Salaymanyada
Among the Majerten Solomons
When will the Osman Mahamood stop being
So paranoid
So beastly
To my affines
To the Ali Salayman
Who believe
who preach
who practice
“La civilta viena del mare”
Who only want to chase the mighty buck
Who believe
Like Ali Madoabe of Mogadishu
That the business of Somalia
Ought to be
Just business
Just like in the USA
The land of the might buck
The immigrant fuck
The hot melting pot luck
Since James Baldwin is so right
And what won’t be faced
Can’t be fixed
When will we of the Somali race
Face up to our self-created problems
And fix up our country
That is going kaput
Right now
Right in front of our very eyes
Adayr!
Uncle!
Zio
Issaq Eedow
I know
It will take
Intelligence
Imagination
Wit
Wisdom
Abgal Mother wit
Darod Majerten moxie
Issaq ingenuity
Habar Gidir goodness
Rahanwayn righteousness
Marehan Magnanimity
Compromise
Consensus
Forbearance
Fortitude
Forgiveness
Above all
Faith in Allah
To have peace in Somalia
But
When will we Somalis rise up to this challenge
When will we Somalis be capable of all that
When will we Somalis finally stand up
As a united faithful Moslem Umma
When will we Somalis
Stand up
&
Deliver
Deliver our people
From the insatiable greedy grab for power
Of mean men
Of Afwaynists
Like Ina Bad Sad Salad Boy
Like the silly Greedy Goat from Garowe
Like the Punk of Puntland
Who are scavenging right now
Who are salivating right now
Over the carcass of Mandeq
Who have hijacked our country
Who are holding us all Somalis hostages to their blind ambition
When will we Somalis finally stand up
As a united faithful Moslem folks
Stand up
&
Deliver our people
From the tyranny
From the terror
From the predatory clannish men of disaster
Since we have no other alternatives
Since we have exhausted all other alternatives
When will we Somalis wise up
When will we grow up
Instead of still glorying
In the gore of brother killing brother
When will we Somalis stop being
Wise guys
To this Abba Eban’s wry observation that
“History teaches us that
Men and nations
Behave wisely
Only
Once they have exhausted
All other alternatives”
I would add
This caveat
This correction
Except Somali men
Except the Somali nation
So
Zio
When will we Somalis stop being
The most stupid people on the face of the earth
When will we Somalis stop being
The only people in the world
With no patriotism
With no fellow-Volk-feeling
With no capital of their own
With no flag of their own
With no State of their own
With no national institutions of their own
With no national seat at the UN
With no voice
With no mission
With no vision
With no passion
With no say
In their future as a volk
When will we Somalis stop being
The laughingstock of the whole world
When will we Somalis stop being
Like the Arabs of
Abba Eban
Who just love to gather together
Idly
All the time
To never ever agree
On anything
Who never ever miss a chance
To miss
One golden opportunity
After another golden opportunity
When will we Somalis stop being
So close to Arabs
So far from Allah
So far from the Sunna of Prophet Muhammad
So far from true Islam
When will we Somalis stop wearing
The filthy rags of the self-righteousness of the Munafaq
When will we Somalis begin to realize
That you just can’t pray a lie
Five times a day
That Allah is not
Just another Somali sucker to seduce
When will we Somalis stop
Worshipping
Niman Balaya
Men of Disaster
Arrogant men of ignorance
Men like Afwayne
Men like Aideed
Men like Abdullah Yusuf
Men like Ina Bad Salad Boy
Men like the Mudulod midgets
Who palmed off Ali Diesel
Who saddled Somalia with silly SOBs
Like Bod
Like shod
Like bullshit
Like these predatory men
From Mugdi Mudug
Who prey on their kith & kin
Who believe
Who behave
Like Afwayne
Like Il Duce
Who proclaim
Meglio un giorno da lione
Che cento anni da pecora:
Better one day
Of roaring like a lion
Of living dangerously like a lion
Than hundred years of bleating pitifully like a sheep
When will we stop worshipping
Warlocks
&
Witless worthless warmongers
Whose first refuge
Is
Qabeel iyo Qurun
The Somali KKK
Dir
Darod
Dayoos
Whose last refuge
Is
Qabeel iyo Qurun
The Somali KKK
Dir
Darod
Dayoos
When will we Somalis begin to realize
This sad truth
That most evil is done by us silly Somalis
Who never make up our minds
To be
Either Good
Or
Evil
When will the dull Dhulbahante begin to realize
That this not so dandy Darodism is a dirty device
Devised by the mad Macavity Majerten Mystery cat
&
Stop being so dumb
As to live for Darodism
As to die for Darodism
As to kill for Darodism
It is this diehard dull Dhulbahante Darodism
In 1991
That enraged the Hutu Hawiye
That killed my friend
Professor Abyan Madoabe
Who died for the sins of
Dull Dhulbahante jackals
The murderers of MOD
The muggers of MOD
Like Dafle
Like Qaybiye
Like Ali Khaleef Galayrd
Like Farah Hussein Ghayle
Better known as
Farah Badaw!
Who played the dullest Dhulbahante of them all
Who farted away
Who frittered away
Who frustrated away
At the Center of Somali Education
At the Lafole Teachers College of Education
All the educational progress
All the hopes
All the aspirations
All the dreams
Of the Somali people
When will we Somalis stop
Believing
Living for
Dying for
Clannish causes of rubbish
&
Become
As civilized
As sophisticated
As cosmopolitan
As our BBC Somali cousin
Ragge Omaar
When will we Somalis stop striking
All the attitudes of fatude
The attitude of delusion
The attitude of folly
The attitude of farts
The attitude of fanfaronade
The attitude of finger-pointing
The attitude of fission
The attitude of chaos
The attitude of confusion
The attitude of vanity
The attitude of inanity
The attitude of insanity
The attitude of the volatility of always blowing our top sky high
The attitude of endless feuds
The attitude of endless vendettas
The attitude of futility
The attitude of nullity
The attitude of always cutting off our own noses
To spite our fugly faces
The attitude of always taking offence
At every obvious truth.
The attitude of playing
Endless
Useless
Pointless
Pitiless
Zero-sum
Ghastly games
The attitude of each clan
Cultivating
Cathecting
Coddling
Mad men of disaster
Our Lord Hategood Juniors
Sons of Afwyane
Our most Senior Lord Hategood
Bearing the mark of the beast
Bearing the number of the beast
Bearing the Apocalyptic Number
666
Of Afwayne’s Darod Mad M. O. D 69
Guzzling Vat 69
Whoring at the 69 degree angle of abomination
The harbingers of the end of Somalia
The bringers of the end of Somalia
Who married Somalia to
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Pestilence
War
Famine
Death
Zio
When will we silly Somalis stop being
In friendship false, implacable in hate
Resolved to ruin or to rule the state
When will we Somalis put to stop
This slow death of our dazed country
This slow death of this Somali dance macabre
When will we Somalis stop
Talking so much
&
Thinking so little
When will we Somalis be able to overcome
The narcissism of our small tiny itty-bitty bitsy differences?
—Mandow Mahamood
Given our Somali legacy
Of our Lord Afwayne
Of our most Senior Lord Hategood
Given the amplitude
Of the pliability of our people
Of the folly of our Somali attitude
Of the fatude of our people
Only this similitude of dirty Darod cats & Hutu Hawiye mice will do
So he who runs may read
One day
The Chief of all the Darod cats of the world
Ran into
The Chief of all the Hawiye mice of the world
They engaged in this most curious exchange:
—Why don’t you
Nasty Mice
Give us Darod cool cats peace?
Why can’t you mice be nice?
Why can’t you nasty mice give peace a chance?
— Chief Cat!
Your Darod Lordship!
You can’t be serious!
Just imagine
If you can
Darod Cats remonstrating with us nice Hutu Hawiye mice for peace!
Cats suing for peace from us nice mice!
That is the funniest haha I have ever heard!
That cuts no ice with us nice mice
You cracked me up
Get away from me!
Devious Darod!
Crazy cat
Cut that crap
Keep your distance from me
Chief Cat
But please carry one with your funny cattish cracks!
Keep your distance
But
Keep cutting up!
Keep cracking me up!
—It is not a crack!
We are all about to croak because of you nasty Hutu Hawiye mice
Rats!
How many of us Darod cats
Have lost
Life & limb & whiskers
While whisking after you
Nasty Hutu Hawiye mice!
Nimble mice!
Nibble-nibble mice
I know
That you believe
Allah blessed us Darod aristocrats
With lady luck
With nine lives
But we have had it
What is life when you are one-eyed!
What is life worth when light is denied!
Do you know how many of us Darod cats
Have lost an eye
Or
Gone totally blind
While in hot pursuit
Of Hutu Hawiye
Of sassy mice
Of saucy mice
Of sapid mice?
I am serious!
We Darod Aristocats desire peace with Hutu Hawiye mice
Be nice now mice
We are tired of always picking on someone
Not our size
Not in our league
Someone as dumkopf as the Hutu Hawiye!
It is such a bore!
It is such a yawn
That is why we Darod cats yawn so much
We are tired of yawning
So this time
We are learning to sing a different tune
Forget about yesterday’s tune
Which was
Fe fi fo fum
I smell the blood of a Hutu Hawiye Mouse
Be he alive or be he dead
I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!
Today we Darod Cats are getting hip
Hip to
How our Hutu Hawiye brother mice are
So nice!
So we are now singing a different tune:
Miss Rose Fyleman
The Mennonite Missionary
Taught us a song
That every Darod cat
Ought to know by now
Let me sing it for you
It goes like this
I think Hutu Hawiye mice
Are rather nice.
Their tails are long
Their brains small
They are kaffir coons with kalashnikovs
Killing Moslems & infidels too!
They haven’t any
Brain Power at all.
Their ears are pink
Their teeth are white
They run about
The house at night.
They nibble things
They shouldn’t touch
And no one seems
To like them Hutu Hawiye mice much
But we cats are beginning to think Hutu Hawiye mice
Are rather nice!
So
Chief Hutu Hawiye Mouse
Tomorrow
At dawn
When you can barely distinguish
A Hutu Hawiye black mouse from a Hutu Hawiye white mouse
On the plains of Burane
Just outside Mahadday Wayn
We will hold the first and the last Somali Peace Conference of Darod Cats & Hawiye Mice
I will approach the site of the conference
From the east
Where the sun rises
Leading my mighty meowing
Confederacy of us Darod Kings
Potentates
Prepotents
Aristocats
&
You will approach
From the west
Where the sun sets
Leading your multitudes of marching mean Hutu Hawiye mindless mice
I am sure
Chief Mouse
You & I can establish peace
That passes all understanding
That will outlast
All the kingdoms
Of cats
Of mice
Of Men
All put together!
See you tomorrow on the Plains of Burane!
Now here is how the Darod Chief Cat briefed his confederacy of Darod cats:
—My fine feline fellow aristocrats!
My Aristocats!
What a coup!
What a clever cunning coup I have just concocted!
What a trick we will play tomorrow on the Hutu Hawiye mindless mice
Tomorrow at dawn
When you can barely distinguish
A Hutu Hawiye black mouse from a Hutu Hawiye white mouse
On the Plains of Burane
The whole bloody race of nasty Hutu Hawiye mice will meet us there
Ostensibly
I repeat
Ostensibly
For peace
Rats!
What a gas!
What a laugh!
What a trick I have just turned!
Imagine
Entertaining
Even for a second
The foolish notion of peace
With mere mice Hutu Hawiye
Our natural enemies
It is going to be a massacre
It is going to be more than a massacre
It is going to a picnic!
It is going to be a Hawiye mice-fest
It is going to be the holocaust of Hutu Hawiye mice
We well make mincemeat of all the Hutu Hawiye mice
They will be approaching the venue from the East
The sun will be in their Hutu eyes
They will be blinded by the sunlight
As they face us
What a trick I have pulled on them
Hopeless
Helpless
Clueless
Kaffir Hutu Hawiye mice
If the Hawiye mindless mice only knew
The topography of the Plains of Burane!
There won’t be any holes for the Hutu Hawiye to hide in
There won’t be any trees for them to clamber on
To escape from our Darod righteous wrath
That is why I chose the venue most convenient
For us Darod MOD Aristocats
We will all have a free run
We will have the run of the Plains of Burane
We will have a field day
And imagine
Some of you silly souls were thinking
Of retiring me
Of retiring this Mighty Marehan Cat
Of replacing me with
The Macavity Mystery Majerten Cat!
May Allah forgive you silly souls
Now
Let us all go to bed now
So we will be in shipshape tomorrow
To eradicate the whole ruffian race
Of the horrible Hutu Hawiye mice
Wait
One more word
Before you scat
Before you scatter
Make your move on the mouse closest to you
Put the bite on him
When I give this signal
After a yawn
After a meow
When I roar
Get them!
And now here is how the Hutu Hawiye Chief mouse briefed his Hutu Hawiye race of mice:
—My dear fellow nice mice
You won’t believe
What I learned today
As we Hutu Hawiye mice say
If you stay in this wicked Darod world long enough
You will even get to see camels copulating
I have learned today that
We mice have
What Sigmund Freud called
The Jewish-Eedor complex
We mice are so mice-centric
We think we are the only ones
Whose six million souls perished
Whose suffering
Is
Worthy of Never Again!
Worthy of tears
Worthy of fears
Worthy of note
Worthy of notice
Worthy of all the attention in the world
Dirty Darod cats also suffer almost as much as we do
Uncountable Darod cats have lost
Life & limb & whiskers
While in hot pursuit of us Hutu Hawiye mice
Uncountable Darod cats have plunged
From great heights of dignity
From great heights of integrity
To their painful deaths
While intent of making a meal of us Hutu Hawiye mice
Uncountable Darod cats have lost an eye or both eyes
While chasing us Hutu Hawiye mice down
Through thick & thin
Through hell & high water
Through the thickets
Through the thorny bushes of Somalia
And what is life worth light denied
Now
Believe it or not
Darod cats are meowing for peace
They say
They are sick and tired of mousing Hutu Hawiye
And they want to give it up for good
Not because
They love us nice mice so
But because
Darod cats have concluded
That chasing Hutu Hawiye mice is just
Too dangerous
Too hazardous for the health of Darod aristocrats
So
Tomorrow
At dawn
When we can barely distinguish
A black Darod cat from a white Darod cat
On the Plains of Burane
We will hold a peace powwow with Darod cats
And
With your blessing
I will sign
A non-aggression pact
Of peaceful coexistence with them
We have a long day ahead of us
So I suggest we turn in
Right now
Good night!
But
Before the mice could mosey off to their beds
A little mouse piped up
—Not so fast!
Chief!
Look at how crippled I am
Think!
Think you all
Think now before you all lose
Life & limb & tall tail
Tomorrow
Look at this stump
Look at this poor excuse for my once tall Hutu Hawiye tail
My long tail is completely clean gone
I would have been a goner too
If I hadn’t played dead yesterday!
A nest of us mice were sunning ourselves
We were basking on the same plains of Burane
We were grooming each other
On the same Plains of Burane
When
The fiercest
The blackest cat
The hungriest Habar Kintir hepcat from Hobyo
That you have ever seen
Pounced upon us Abgal mice
Making a short work of the whole nest of mice
By playing dead
I only am escaped alone to tell thee
It was a massacre
It was an atrocity
It was a holocaust
There were no trees to run up
There were no bushes in which to hide
There were no holes to hie into
I am telling you
It was a massacre
It was an atrocity
It was a holocaust
I suggest
That right now
We all rise and go
Go to the Plains of Burano
To dig us mice nice cozy holes
Hiding the sand carefully from sight
In case the dreadful devious Darod cats try something funny
In case they try to put one over us Hutu Hawiye mice
Better be prepared than be sorry
Let us surprise the silly dirty Darod cats
Remember
In war
As
In peace
Surprise
Is the most deadly unbeatable weapon
Let each one of us sleep
At the entrance of his hole
Ready to confront the comfort-crazy Darod cats
When they show up late to talk peace
If they truly want peace
Fine & dandy
But if they start
Any of their not so funny feline fatal dirty Darod games of fatude
Our Chief
Will signal
Will yell
Duck down
Dive down
Into your holes!
—What a genius!
The Chief mouse exclaimed
What a brilliant idea!
Let us all go right now
To the Plains of Burane
And when the morrow dawned
Upon the first and the last Peace Conference of Darod Cats & Hawiye Mice
The reverberating roar of the Darod Chief Cat
Get them!
Was met
Was checkmated
Was trumped
With the triumphant parry of
With the ringing riposte of the Hutu Hawiye Chief Mouse’s
Duck down
Dive down
Into holes!
So
Mandow Mahamud
There will be peace in Somalia
As soon as the crazy clannish cats of Somalia
Stop playing
Stupid zero-sum catty cat-and-mouse-games
And
Seriously start
Praying at home
Playing at home
Playing the really serious sober peaceful game
“The game of no game.”
Under our acacia umbrella trees of Peace
Just like the Eedor had done
In Borame
With the help of their Gadabursi brothers & neighbours
Let us give the Eedor Devils their due!
They sure done paid their dues!
That is why they are enjoying now in Isaqland
Nabad iyo Ano!
Peace & Milk
Now it is incumbent upon the Issaq
It behooves the Eedor
To invite his brothers
The Hawiye
&
The Darod
To Hargayssa
&
Talk turkey
To these two turkeys
So they too can enjoy Peace & Milk.
