It was November the 4th 1997
in Toronto
in a donut shop
primarily patronized by the Hawiye,
when a lonesome-lost-one-eyed-elderly Laylkasse Darod dude
waddled in and sat down
amongst the Hawiye crowd of customers.
What do you think the Hawiye were doing
in that Toronto donut shop
in 1997?
They were engaged
as usual
in their prime time pastime
of Darod-bashing;
of lamenting
how the whole world had gone to a Darod hell
in a hand basket;
of how the world had gone to the dogs
on account of the dreadful Darod!
Led by a loony called
General Wow
and encouraged by
Qurunle Qanyare
who brayed on the BBC:
Array Darod Dolad iyo Darajo
midna uma Haayo!
E Haddow raaciyonimo rabo
raali aan ka ahe
Xamar ha ku so noqdaano!
Translation:
I have neither Honor nor the Presidency of the Somali State
to bestow upon the Darod;
but they are most welcome
to come back to Mogadishu
provided they are willing to be
our Hawiye minions & myrmidons,
our Hawiye lackeys and lickspittles!
In that Toronto donut shop,
in 1997,
at the height of Hawiye hypocrisy and hype and hallucination,
at the zenith of Hawiye zealotry,
the Hawiye were having the time of their lives;
they were in their hog heaven;
they were enjoying their best time of bililiqsie
which is rape & rapine,
which is pillaging & banditry!
Bililiqsie is the Hawiye’s sole and significant contribution
to the political discourse of Somalia!
Bililiqsie is the Hutu Hawiye way
of being!
of governance!
In that Toronto donut shop,
in 1997,
the Hawiye were singing
the all-time hits of the loony tunes of their General Wow!
They did not stop singing their bloody blues
when that lonely-lost-elderly Laylkasse one-eyed Darod dude
doddered onto their turf.
As a matter of fact,
they began then to rub it in!
They begin to rag him and nag him
and bully him and bother him and bug him
and pester him and guy him and tease him
and tear him apart and torment him and terrify him
and hurt him and humiliate him mercilessly!
Watch out
when the gûn Hawiye cowards & coons with Kalashnikovs
get the upper hand over you!
Not a single Hawiye,
including me,
I am sorry to report
went to the aid & comfort
of that lonely- lost-elderly-Laylkasse-one-eyed
and put upon Darod dude
who dramatically broke his silence
by standing tall and singing this solo
which shamed and silenced
all of his Hawiye harassers;
which brought down the Hawiye house of cards:
Tixsi sahana!
Dorshaan kabtana!
Danyer fardaleh!
Damero lô-dhalai!
Darod lahooray!
Hawiye doaladnimo donaaayah!
Waa duni dhamaate
balmaan daysto hadalkayga!
Imagine if you will
A fly manipulating skillful military maneuvers!
Imagine if you will
A dung beetle declaiming to be a Captain!
Imagine if you will
A monkey high on a high horse being hailed!
Imagine if you will
Donkeys siring holy cows!
Imagine if you will
Darod being denied their divine right to rule Somalia!
Imagine if you will
Hawiye gûn desiring to have dominion over us gob Darod!
It is a phantasmagoric world!
It is an unreal world!
I better cease & desist from speaking!
I better return to my Darod long sullen silence!
That Darod dude’s name
who sang the above solo
that turned the tables upon his Hawiye harassers,
that knocked some sense into
all the Hawiye knuckleheads is
Hassan Egal Farah.
The Darod are soon coming back to their Mogadishu homes and hearths
to give a wise leadership & statesmanship to all of Somalia.
All thanks and praise is due to Allah
who guided the Hawiye yahoos & yokels
of the Somali parliament in Kenya
To cease & desist from being dogs in the manger!
To hand over the Presidency of Somalia to a Darod Majerten.
To all hail the power of Ina Yay’s name!
To prostrate fall before Abdullahi Yusuf!
To bring forth the royal diadem, and crown Ina Yay Lord of all.
To bring forth the royal diadem, and crown him Lord of all.
To extol the stem of Darod Ishmael’s Rod, and crown Him Lord of all.
To extol the Darod seed of Somalia’s chosen race
Who ransomed us Somalis from the gûn Hutu Hawiye fall!
Let every tribe and every tongue before him prostrate fall
And shout in universal song the crownèd Lord of all.
And shout in universal song the crownèd Lord of all.
All Somalis are now relieved!
All Somalis are now laughing!
I invite my Hirab Habar Gidir brothers & sisters
to join the laughter and the celebrations
of the crowning of Ina Yay by all of Somalia!
Remember: There is nothing worse than a sore loser!
Remember: A sore loser loses for all time & eternity!
We Hawiye won the Somali civil war;
no Darod dare deny that;
but the Habar Gidir Yahoos & Yokels
somehow
snatched
this ignoble defeat
out of the jaws of that glorious Hawiye Victory!
The Habar Gidir
in their bililiqsi,
in their frenzied greed
to get everything for themselves,
forgot
that time & tide wait for nobody!
that time & tide won’t always be
on their side;
forgot
to seize the time;
forgot
that
There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows, and in miseries
What the Habar Gidir forgot
in their greed
to get everything
only for themselves
is that
all politics is local!
That in politics
the name of the game is
compromise & consensus.
They proceeded
to dig their own political graves
by destroying their own Hutu Hawiye confederacy!
By attacking
like cancer
their very own Hawiye body politic!
They attacked and alienated every Hawiye clan constituency
that contributed to their victory
over the Darod-MOD:
they attacked and pillaged the Murusade and branded them
cowardly “Kuwaits!”
They invaded and attempted to colonize the Hawadle
in their stronghold, Belet Wayne;
they attempted to run the Abgal,
the cockney of Mog,
out of their own Mogadishu goaf!
The Abgal
who are now still dug in,
in their impregnable redoubts
of Karaan & Kaysanay!
The Habar Gidir visited
death and destruction
upon all the clans of Baydhabo
where the capital of the Third Republic of Somalia
is soon going to be located
primarily because
there are no Habar Gidir coons with Kalashnikovs
running around in Baydhabo!
Unshakable Shattigadood,
the hero of the Rahanwayn Resistance,
kicked all the Ill-Jex invaders out of Baydhabo!
The same fate of ignominy awaits the Ill-Jex
who are now occupying by force
the best lands of our Somali patrimony:
Afgoye, Marka, Brava, Jilib, Jamama, and Kismayo!
The Habar Gidr never intended to rule Somalia;
they were interested only
in Bililiqsie,
in Rape & Rapine,
in Pillage & Banditry!
It is now no use
rehashing the lost opportunities of the Habar Gidir and their Hawiye.
I can hear now the heart-wrenching regretful cry of every Hawiye;
I can hear now the lament of every Hawiye heart:
“You know,
We could have been contenders.
We could have had some class.
Just like the Darod Macavity Majerten!”
We could have been somebodies
Just like the Darod Macavity Majerten!
Well,
if wishes were horses
all Hawiye beggars
like us
would be riding high right now
like the gob Macavity Moxie Majerten!
But by now,
it is evident
that the epitaph
of all our Hawiye political aspirations
is:
Of all sad words
Of tongue and pen
The saddest are these –
It might have been.”
Yes!
It might have been us Hawiye!
Rather than them Darod!
But by now,
it is evident that
at the two-year long Somali political chess tournament in Kenya,
the Darod have won back all and then some
of all that they had ever lost
at the Somali civil war battle-fields!
Again I say to all the Hawiye
and particularly to the Habar Gidir,
let us not be sore losers!
Remember: Sore losers lose for all time & eternity!
Remember: the Darod are not shi-shay-ye!
Remember: They are not enemy alien honky Kaffir infidels!
I also want to remind the Darod
not to gloat over
our political Hawiye ignoble and senseless and self-inflicted defeat.
I warn the Darod not to rub it in!
Not in this hour!
For this is the cruelest hour of all the Hawiye hours
I have ever drawn a breadth!
My Darod compatriots: A word to the wise is enough!
I adjure all of our Darod compatriots to be wise!
I adjure our brand new Somali President:
Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed
To draw a circle that does not shut any Somali clan out —
that does not consider any Somali clan a thing to flout.
But to have the Love and the wit to win:
And draw a circle that takes every Somali clan in!
I also want to remind the Darod
that they need us Hawiye
to welcome them back to Mogadishu!
I also remind the Darod
that they need us Hawiye
to give them our sovereign consent
so they can
once again
rule Somalia!
Without Hawiye,
the Darod are not worth
a continental damn
and vice versa!
This is the time to bury the hatchet with the Darod!
This is the time to smoke the peace pipe with the Darod!
This is the time to stand on the foot of Peace!
This is the time to dance the dance of Peace!
Another civil strife is out of the question!
Another protracted civil war is not an option!
We Hawiye must needs remember
that we could not defeat the Darod
even when we found him
on our Somali shores
for the first time,
a refugee from Arabia,
all alone,
naked and hungry and thirsty
and so vulnerable and up in a tree!
Just like that Hawiye cowardly crowd
in that Toronto donut shop
in 1997
could not defeat
that lonely-lost-elderly-Laylkasse one-eyed Darod dude
who doddered onto their turf!
Now that there is a Darod in every Hawiye woodpile, it is impossible!
Now that there is a Darod blood running in every Hawiye vein, it is suicidal!
Darod is now Somalia!
That is why the death of any Somali,
Darod or Dir,
diminishes us all Somalis!
SO
HABAR GIDIR: DON’T BE SORE LOSERS!!
BECAUSE SORE LOSERS LOSE FOR GOOD!
JOIN THIS SOMALI MAJERTEN BANDWAGON OF LOUD LAUGHTER!
JOIN THIS SOMALI MAJERTEN VICTORY CELEBRATION!
In this cunning clever victory
of the moxie
of the Macavity Majerten
to which I am inviting you and every Somali
to celebrate,
the winner is our homeland, Somalia!
So
Somalia!
Hanolato!
